Learning to take care of myself physically is emotionally exhausting.
I am your typical OCD perfectionist. Pushing myself to do the best is where I get the extent of my exercise. It is difficult for me to a) do work that I know is not my best and b) to not do work at all.
I still have my job, just in case I scared somebody. However, yesterday was my first ‘First Day’ of a semester that I am not involved in. As much as I desperately wanted to get back in school from my nice little medical leave, I had to accept the fact that I am simply not ready.
For the previous two and a half years, I listened to my body when it was demanding me to stop and tried my best to not make the rest of me stop along with it. That was life: go until I couldn’t any more. In the process, I had maimed the only part of me that I thought I could control.
School work has never been un-doable for me. On the inverse, it was very easy. I sat through class, took notes, and studied a little before tests. But by not listening to my body, I have slowly destroyed my mind. Sentences are harder to put together and words do not come easy anymore. My sickness has robbed me of my beloved education and I long for the days where my mind was clear.
If I have learned anything from this experience thus far, is to cherish the opportunities that I have every day. I may not be my old self yet, but I am here. I have a wonderful life that I am living each day, even if I struggle.
And on those days where I just can’t seem to have as much faith and hope as I need, God is merciful enough to send a few mourning doves my way.